Elsewhere in your letter, you rightly say that as a Christian you know I won't agree with your conclusions - but I do want you to know that I respect your sincerity, and I'm grateful also for your spiritual hunger and your desire to find the truth.
My prayer is that you won't stop searching for God until you truly do find Him, because He wants you to know Him and enjoy His presence in your life every day. God created you and put you on this earth - and He not only created you but made you so you could come to know Him and be with Him in heaven forever. God's promise is for you: "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13).
But God doesn't only want us to search for Him. He also is searching for us - and the reason is because He loves us and wants us to discover the joy of being His sons and daughters. But we are lost and separated from Him because we have sinned and turned our backs on Him.
This is why we need Jesus Christ, for only He can take away our sins and bring us back to God. Because of Him, the gap between us and God has been bridged! Don't let anything keep you from Christ, because "Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life" (John 8:12).