My heart goes out to you, because when hard times come your way (as they do for all of us), you have nowhere to turn for help and comfort and hope. You can only rely on yourself -- and if you're honest, that means you'll end up in despair.
To be candid, your problem can be summed up in one word: pride. The real reason you don't believe in God is because you want to run your own life -- and in your pride, you think you can. But is that true? How do you know the decisions you'll make about your life will turn out to be right? How will you react when circumstances turn against you -- an unexpected illness, a financial reversal, a broken relationship? History demonstrates over and over the truth of the Bible's warning: "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall" (Proverbs 16:18).
My prayer is that you will honestly face your need for God. Don't let anything -- pride, a sinful habit, an immoral relationship, or anything else -- keep you away from God. God loves you, and Christ gave His life for you.
A life without God is a life without meaning -- and without hope. Don't stay on that road any longer, but by faith turn to Jesus and discover the joy and peace and new life He alone can give you. Jesus' words are true: "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10).