My heart goes out to you, because I can't imagine living without hope -- which is what you're doing (whether you realize it or not). If this life is all there is, if there's no heaven or life beyond the grave, if we'll never see our loved ones again, then life has no meaning and hope is an illusion.
But God says otherwise -- and my prayer is that you will have the courage to be open to what His Word says. The Bible says we aren't here by accident, nor are we just highly-developed animals. God created us and deliberately placed within us a soul or spirit, so we could know Him and experience His presence. The Bible says, "So God created man in his own image ... male and female he created them" (Genesis 1:27).
How do I know this is true? I know it for several reasons, but most of all because of Jesus Christ. He was God in human form, who came down from heaven to show us that God loves us. He did this by removing the barrier between us and God -- a barrier caused by our sin.
Yesterday, millions of Christians around the world celebrated the greatest event in human history: the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Don't ignore Him, for by His resurrection from the dead He gave us hope -- hope of God's presence with us right now, and hope for eternity. And this hope can be yours, by committing your life to Jesus Christ.